


Not Built to Love

by Monsters_and_Matsu



Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [7]
Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, Emotional Constipation, M/M, Nihilism, Rejection, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:02:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28135872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsters_and_Matsu/pseuds/Monsters_and_Matsu
Summary: Inconsistent, depressed and existential thoughts from Benry's point of view.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869784
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I didn't care about you, it was easy to be myself.  
> When I started caring about you, I felt bad for us.  
> When I remember I didn't even like you in the first place, that's what fucks me up.

“I thought this was what I wanted.” Benry said in his monotone voice.

“It made sense at the time. Listening to my emotions. They sparked when I was around you. The more you said no, the more I wanted to be around you. You were a challenge. A prize to be won. I was obsessed with you because you were fun to fuck with.”

Benry smacked his lips.

“Now that I experienced you, I don’t want you anymore. You bore me. Sometimes I remember that I like some things you do, that we have shit in common. But I have more fun when we fight.”

He stared at him. That emotionless. Dull. Stare. Nothing behind his eyes. Nothing but dissatisfaction and no motivation.

“What’s the stupidest part about this? That I can’t tell if it’s because I care about you or I really could care less. Do I want to let you go so that you can live your own life or am I actually sick of you?”

Nothing, his face revealed nothing. No context, no struggle.

“I don’t know what I want. All I know is it would be easier to get rid of you.”

Nothing. He felt numb.

“Emotions are supposed to motivate me. And now I’ve numbed them away. I wish I was mean enough to just take advantage of people. But I’m not. Everything I did to ever hurt people was an accident. Blind with emotions. And now they’re gone. Now I’m not even having fun.”

...

“But boredom doesn’t really feel like an itch anymore either. Maybe I’ve just never been content. But wouldn’t being content mean I would feel happy?” 

Numb. Nothing.

“I wish I could focus on anything, it doesn’t feel like I’m even here half the time. I don’t feel real. I don’t care about anything.”

He stared at Gordon. He stared straight through him.

“I don’t want a relationship where we both end up disappointing each other.”

Isn’t it a horrible thing? To have once gained so much joy from another person, to be utterly attached to them, and then change your mind?

And all those attached feelings are still there, you just hate them now. And you don’t want to be miserable, so you just numb the feelings away.

No one wants to admit when you’ve fallen out of love. You want to hold on, but what’s the point if you aren’t even having fun anymore.

Benry fucked up.

He fucked everything up the moment he stopped having fun and started to feel bad for Gordon. He started to care and realized he didn’t want to cause him pain anymore.

Funny.

How emotions work.

How they follow our real wants without even thinking about it.

...

Isn’t it fucked up? That I only let myself be friends with you because I thought you were pathetic? Because I didn’t care if I subjected someone as pathetic as you to my horrible personality?

Too bad you made me care about you.

Now we both get nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to find meaning, I want to be stagnant.

“What’s the point in any of this?

I hate being here, I hate people, I hate being judged, I hate doing things I don't want to, I hate accepting. I don’t want to deal with any of it anymore.

None of it matters, I hate losing over and over and over.”

He sank his fingers into the concrete walls and steel beam supports. Nothing nothing nothing. He could rip into the building's constructs and it wouldn’t even matter. There was nothing alive in these stones or bones. They were matters that had no say, no will, no suffering. Existing in this same stupid, stupid coil as he did. He took away chunk after chunk, polygon after polygon and still none of it cared.

Absolutely nothing. Lifeless. It didn’t care if it was moved or used or destroyed. It had no choice.

It had no feelings, no preference, no emotions, no experiences good or bad that it could determine for itself.

Couldn’t feel the pain he was feeling, couldn’t care less.

To be nothing was all he wanted now.

What was the point of anything?

“If I can’t make the chemicals in my head even make me feel happy then what’s the point. I rather be dead. I want to cease existing and experience nothing. I’m sick of being.”

He stood there amidst the rubble. Destroying it himself he felt in control, even though he didn’t want to ruin it. Forced to. Forced to continue doing things against his will. Forced by people and forced by nature and forced by time.

He wanted it all to stop.

He wanted it to stop so he could live in nothingness where things stopped happening to him. He didn’t let himself have fun because he knew he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to, he didn’t have any motivations to move on or change or gain new things.

Even as he suffered, the immense laziness continued to win. Even knowing the pain that’d follow a gun being held up to his face, it didn’t deter him. He couldn’t die, he didn’t want things to change, there lay the system of living he had broken. He didn’t want to move forward. He pulled against progress with all of his might and tried to force it to stop so he could stay bored and do nothing.

It never worked.

“I rather do nothing, then do something I don’t want to. I can feel myself drag my feet and whine and cry. If I can’t make it stop, I wish I had someone to do it for me. Deal with everything else so I can just start enjoying myself again, guilt free. That’s where you came in.”

He could feel it. His body decaying. Yet he still did nothing. Pain killers? Addictions? What good would that do when he still hasn’t learned anything. He still wanted to do nothing. He still had no motivation. Still wanted to used people for his own good. Be a problem for someone else.

“Maybe if I torture myself, if I sit in the pain and don’t let myself enjoy anything, then I’ll be forced to do something before it’s too late.”

He didn’t want to do anything.

There lay the problem.

He knew what would happen. If he didn’t do anything, nothing would change and he would still be miserable. He knew what he had to do to feel better, but he didn’t feel like doing it.

Tomorrow’s another day, tomorrow, the day after that, weeks, months.

Is a year plus some not enough time to get better?

“I thought that I was just tired, that I’d be ready to participate in life again once I had some weight off my shoulders. Now I’m too used to putting everything off. Avoiding is so much easier.

I avoid everything if I can. I’ll lie and trick and kill if it means I can keep avoiding it for as long as possible.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just do what you had to? Get it out of the way? Move on?

Yes.

But what’s the point in that.”

He stood in front of the facility wall he had put a hole into, it’s materials scattered around him. His mortal body’s hands aching. This wasn’t what he was supposed to be doing, he knew he had things to do that he didn’t want to.

He told himself that he hated wasting time and he hated himself.

Yet he always ended up doing what he really wanted to do.

Being the terrible human being that he was.

He could feel himself decaying.


End file.
